Motivation

I just cant find the effort to write here.

Dead inside.

I have not been able to barely look at this screen in so long. Mind soo dark and clouded. Depression soo thick its hard to even find the effort to write depressing things. Easier to just forget everything and put no effort in at all. I’m dead inside from where i find myself in my life. A life i have lived for almost 3 years. Nothing but every day of the same. Nothing but security and the same people. No new experiences of developing worth. Living out each day through dead eyes. Nothing surprises me. Nothing excites me. Everything is believable and nothing is special. This is the perception i have. I lay in bed last night and realized i was going to sleep with Clenched teeth and dead eyes. Every day for a long time now i have been thinking from all directions about my life and the effect it is having on me and my development as a person. I have drifted away into a sea of money,possessions,mediocre situations and mediocre people. My clouded mind has prevented me from being able to read and further more prevented me from being able to feel. I am numb inside. I dont feel i have progressed much as a person over this past year. I have dug myself deeper into a hole of dead living. The deeper i have gone, the more crippled i feel, therefore making it harder for me to fight back and try to bring myself back to the surface so i might turn this dark night around. The time for revolution is now. As to whether i can go through with it remains to be seen. Theres all the possibility that i stay in this place but i know it will not be good for me. i am already damaged from the extension of this experience past its redeeming qualities in the past. It would appear this latest post seems a bit lifeless. Read the title again. I could probably ramble and say lots more things but talk is cheap. i need to express myself but i more-so need to act. so we shall see.

Peace out.
A-Town.
Yeah.

Snippet of Life

So change is on the move. Life itself is stable in regards to regular work and regular home life, its just all the events are all over the place and everything seems to be happening quite fast. Its like i dont even get time to really process an event before another one is happening and they seem to range from having nothing in common to being a series of events. Girls,Cars,Careers and just people. I have just over the last few weeks been assessing my situation with meeting women and the fact it has become increasingly worse over the years. I Have always been against playing women like its a game to fuck with their head and reap the benefits and thus my nature would be to be the nice guy that i am. I have always known this as being a hard road to tread and the loneliness that can ensue being fine as im being the person i aspire to be. It would seem that as i have grown older, women have become harder, smarter and honed their game consciousness of the whole game of meeting people. I feel i have been left behind. Im still the guy that got the girl every now and then but these girls are no longer those girls. These girls are from the new more mature ways of the game. And the reality is rather clear that women want a nice guy for a relationship but they are certainly not looking for a nice guy. the nice guy gets friendzoned as women either consciously or subconsciously are looking for the guy that sparks their interest and that interest flows from confusion or some emotion sparked by the guy to cause a reaction beyond that of nice feelings for a nice person. I am now faced with the reality that change is needed in some way from the way i am. I also now see 2 sides to the game as i once only saw 1. I see now that it can be fine to play with a womans head and make her interested in you if indeed your intentions are good in the first place. That spark could manufacture a beautiful relationship. My issues in the past were with not being genuine with women and just using them for their bodies or whatever else. I dont hold much or any regret for the way i have been in the past. I regret not being a social butterfly but i dont regret the way i have been but it would seem its time for change. Time to boost my confidence from within the confines of my mind and go about meeting women and people in a different way. I am feeling that time is passing me in this area of life and its time to act. I have such love and affection to give. Such appreciation of the form and the spirit but it is all wasted dreams if i cant use these emotions and share a moment with someone special. My problem is i dont have much understanding of how to play the game. I understand women on a very personal level. I understand how they feel and can talk to them on a very deep level. But that guy no longer gets the girl. I of course am not looking to get every girl. I enjoy and in many ways need girl friends in my life and as such i do but sometimes i find the girl i want but i cant have her because she only sees me as a friend. This writing im guessing may be viewed as somewhat less hard hitting and more vulnerable than my other writings. Ive got nothing to hide, except everything im hiding and my identity on here, lol. On a related note to confidence and change, i feel i am finally coming out of my shell a bit more socially and just not giving a fuck about what people think of me. Its still there but i can definitely feel im on the road to finding my new identity as someone that isnt held back by what other people think. I seemingly have always done what i wanted on a large scale in my own life but its more the social situations that i have held back or just not done what i wanted because of what people thought or might think. I am also toying with the idea of really uprooting my life right now, opening up some issues with my ego, joining a gym for the health benefits and just treading a new path some serious determination. Tomorrow is the first day of a very trialling month in my career. And its also time to cut my hair and feel new and fresh for what lays ahead. I COULD just shave all my hair off tomorrow but that may be too out there. Or maybe i just cant do it. I just cant be that crazy just yet to shun 8 years of the same haircut and a lifetime of never being bald. Seems like not much of a thing but it is, i guess until i someday finally do it.
Peace out.
A-town.
Yeah.

“Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread”

What is this crap?

What is this crap? Where do i find myself? Change needs to happen soon. I’m trapped in a cycle of somewhat limited sleep,not enough rests, oversleeping on weekends and achieving nothing on my projects because i cant find the motivation to go outside somewhat due to not having people around me to help or encourage my work. The project side looks to be promising soon as a friend has arrived back in my area and is keen to help on my projects as well as having acquired a new contact for some aesthetic work on one of my projects. I am leaving for a big trip overseas with my father. Somewhat of a spiritual passage across a great spiritual land visiting many places and people along the way. I am Optimistic as to many changes within my attitude and being towards where i am going and life itself. right now i am Irritated by life and quite depressed with the place i find myself. I am suffering socially and its definitely nearing an end for me. Or at least i hope so otherwise it may do some significant emotional damage to my psyche. I am unhappy with not being able to develop many true relationships in the current place i am be they friend or lover. There just isn’t many people where i am and most are asleep or completely centered on silly things of which i have no interest. i seek more friends like close friends i have from my past but i know this place is not where many are found. I live not in the real world. I live in a somewhat make believe society that has its own structure and its own ways but most of them don’t relate to the real world. Its a fantasy land full of money and Bureaucracy. I did recently find a girl that took interest in me and in turn i took interest in her but then of course a week later when feelings and complications come onto the foreground of a persons mind she has changed her mind and only wants to be friends. And so it would seem this can happen a lot. Off in the clouds day dreaming and living care-free and then coming back to your own neurotic reality and complicating everything till you make yourself feel cornered, back to the wall. So be it. whats new? nothing. All the same, just different dressings. I need to get back to the real world soon so i can meet more people that could potentially become close friends with and be in more situations where i might meet interesting girls that take interest in me for who i am. right now i am contemplating a big move into doing some courses that only take 2 months to become a Technician and have a profession which will be a good building block to a stable income should i so wish to have one at any time during the rest of my life. This would involve a decent sum of money of which i have and a trip to the UK. Things are up in the air? Things are depressing? I look at life in far too much a negative view at the moment.
Right now I’m slightly losing the care to what people might think about certain things i have to say. Not in a major way but yeah, a few people have had a rage because i said things the way i wanted to say them without any thought for saving anyone else.
Something i haven’t pushed out is my feelings about suicide. I may try and hold onto a few people on my Facebook and spare them the rage and blocking that would ensue upon my person. Suicide is for the weak. you are weak if you commit suicide. And people go around posting these photos saying “Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong”. What an absolute load of crap. It is a sign of weakness but that in no way means its something that shouldn’t happen. It will happen and you will get through it, so long as you stay alive. People that stay depressed are not strong. They are weak. People who commit suicide are weak people. And why should i spare myself for your feelings because you are all hung up on someones death. Of course i would be devastated if my best friend or family member committed suicide but i would also be dissapointed that they took life sooo seriously and didn’t see that tomorrow is always another day. I can feel the strongest feelings of depression but always remain in my conviction of not even lending a thought to killing myself. Sometimes i think i wish i wasn’t here. but its only a feeling. i don’t actually feel i wanna die. i just feel right now that i don’t wanna be here. but time moves on and the new day rises. just sit tight. watch whats going on and be normal. Even if you feel like killing yourself, just watch the emotion, feel it and observe it. Nothing will happen. It is weak minded people that have no control over their emotions that commit suicide. If you rush into your emotions, then you will become your emotions. You can see it everywhere. If someone rushes into anger then they will do many things they regret. So rushing into suicidal thoughts may very well lead you to suicide. People take offense to such cold blunt views because they harbor their grief for another and in their defense they ask if you yourself have ever lost someone to suicide and my response right now is no not really. I have known 2 people that have committed suicide and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Its sad but they weren’t close to me. But the real point to be made is that it makes no difference to me. I can be nonchalant or i can be devastated by grief over someones suicide but neither situations take away from the fact that suicide is for weak people. Struggle all you want, People that are still alive are stronger. Depression will happen all throughout your life as will happiness. Just go with the flow and watch your emotions.

Well there’s a jumbled thought process.

Peace out.
A-town.
Yeah.

Negative gearing

Feeling quite negatively geared towards life at the moment. I think almost 2 years of the same life and work are starting to turn me bitter. I have become more mature in my acceptance of life but this negative mood would appear to be stealing all the magic and awe from life. I find myself being very cynical and disillusioned with many things. I am getting older and maybe some things just aren’t for me anymore but the negativity i feel towards many things is starting to get me worried, like i need to change my current lifestyle sooner than the hopeful later as i do have my goal and aspirations for employment and life but those goals are more-so 6 months or more away. Feeling like i need to make these changes soon as my current situation seems to getting worse in the way i view life and feel about it in certain ways. Of course there are many faces to the way you can feel about life. I’m still a positive person if it comes to advice and many other things but this just feels unhealthy.
In my current situation, certain people whom i love are just not here and certain people whom i would like to meet and talk to just dont seem to exist in the social climate i find myself in. Many good people, but not much beyond a small chat about nothing in particular. I would like a few more people i can really call my friends. Especially Females. I get something i need from having some close female friends and it is also quite hard to find a good girl for a love interest where i live. I feel my Tenure in this place is or should be coming to an end some time soon. Time for change and the opportunity to see more of my family and friends from where i grew up. Time to observe and learn a new way and walk of life. But then you never know, Tomorrow could bring a dramatic change that makes me love life suddenly. Add new flavour to my life and lifestyle. Perspective is everything. Its interesting how looking back at ways you have felt in the past. This feeling is rather strong and runs quite deep but yeah maybe ill get a girlfriend and have some cool events go down. suddenly life is fresh with all new pleasures and obstacles to keep my mind interested. Feed the bottomless pit of emptiness just for long enough to keep on keepin on. Strange that i could feel so depressed but at the drop of a hat if someone is feeling down and needs to hear the right stuff, i am just there, with such intense force just whirring up those strong positive feelings, giving them what they need. Something i love to and know i am very good at. That may also be something else that’s missing. I don’t have enough close people around me so im not able to be that person enough. I enjoy helping people see things from a different perspective. This life is strange. But for now, somewhat disillusioning and aggravating.
Hypnosis is an interesting thought. Maybe i will write about some things i have read next time.

I have been through New Years. Rather uneventful and Banal, but hey, I saw it through my eyes only and given my current negative gearing what else can be expected. The right girls weren’t in the right places and the right music wasn’t being played. Oh well, leave it for a day of no significance to show me a great time as it shall 🙂

Happy New Year to those having a good time.

Peace out.
A-Town.
Yeah.

Racism and stuff

I see people i know that are of a dark origin, being belittled and made fun of by people making black jokes about them but at the same time its crazy how obsessed they are with the colour of their own skin. trying to fit in by acting out the way people portray them as. Using the N word and make all kinds of stereotypical fried chicken eatin references and just carrying on with this whole image because people find it funny. But its not funny and they are selling their souls for the feeling of false acceptance like they are part of the group and people like them because they think they are funny. A sad person is found underneath because not only do they take the racial abuse through jokes, they are also living a lie by acting like a stereotyped fool. With the jokes, there is 2 standard ways it can go. 1, They take offense and then everyone picks on them more because they think its funny and have no qualms about being somewhat racist (or very). 2,They play along like its all fun and games and make the same jokes back about themselves so that they are known as “Black such-n-such” “The token black guy”. Its strange how obsessed these people are with their stand out features that cause them grief. My friend is and was in this situation tonight. He copped some abuse in front of others and played it off but later made it known to me it was wayyy too far, but then later on his whole image was just black jokes and references. Was not impressed. Told him straight up later on “Cut the black shit. Be somebody. This isnt you. Do you have anything to say? Do you want to say anything in life and be somebody? Cut it. cut it all. Its just shit. Its not you.”. He took it on board as he does with many things i bring up. Hes still quite young. But of course i will need to speak with him further about this as its actually quite a big chunk of his social life and he was drinking at the time. See how it goes.
Its becomes a waste of time when people you know personally, arent even 1% of themselves around other people. Your friend isnt there. He is gone. Disappeared into foolish sadness.

Reverse racism is just ridiculous. As with another dark friend, everything has to involve the word black and such when of course, there is no need. No need to discriminate yourself from white people within a story that has no relevance to race or colour.

Its like you see an advert for an airline company and there is a black flight attendant and an Asian pilot. I find these ads very racist as the only reason they cast a Black person and an Asian person was for this “PC” racial equility crap. So its like “Oh no we cant be racist, so lets grab and asian and a black guy for this commercial. That in itself its seriously racist. They are singling out these races because they dont wanna be singled out as being racist by not involving them. Its a rather big mess really.

I held certain racial prejudices against a certain race which were forced upon me by adults around me when i was young. Along the lines of “oooh those are very rough and tough people, wouldnt wanna meet them down a dark alley”. These ideas leave a big impression on young children and these ideas as such becomes the kids own ideas, like its their own knowledge for them to believe and spread. A wise man in my life has inadvertently shed me of that small bit of racial prejudice maybe about a year ago and i thank him greatly for helping me out of something i didnt even realise was a problem. I told him a few months ago of what he has helped me with and he said to me “Racism is like wearing dark glasses, you just cant see whats around you until you take them off” And its true. Ever since my outlook on that particular race was lifted, i have met the most amazing people just here there and everywhere which is great. More of the world has been unlocked for me 🙂

Everyone in this world is different and so to with races, but that doesnt have to be a significant factor in your life. The difference is the spice of this life. Distinctions will always be made but its how you act that you have control over. The world will never be equal and it will never be the same but so long as you tread the right path in your own life, that is the way to be living.

Peace out.
A-town.
Yeah.

How i feel about Christmas

I personally don’t like Christmas because of how forced it feels. This is the season to be happy, the season to be thankful, the season to be generous. “Today is the day you should be kind and generous to your fellow man”. What the hell is that? So today everyone should be kind to everyone and then revert back to being assholes the rest of the year? I don’t believe in that. People should be nice to other people any day of the year for no reason whatsoever out of the goodness of their hearts. Spontaneity is where its at. I enjoy buying gifts for people solely because i want to at the time. Good deeds when good deeds are felt to be done as opposed to a certain period of time where you should focus your mental energy on being a good person because “its the season”.
But don’t get me wrong, Just because i feel this way does not mean I’m telling anyone else how they should feel. I understand that this period of time is an amazing happy time for many, where people get to see family members that they love and rarely get to see. If people want to celebrate Christmas to the full extent of their serotonin then more power to them. For me, every day is another day and i tend to lead (or try to lead) a rather Que Sera Sera life. I so happened to have to take holidays back home a few weeks before Christmas this year and it feels great to see your family only because you wanted to see them and not just because its Christmas time.
With my actual family (mother,father, brother), i would like to see them at least a few times a year but with the rest of my family i am just happy to see them when and if i do. It doesn’t bother me if i don’t see them. Why should it? Who are they? I didn’t grow up with them. Half of them don’t know me and i don’t know them. We aren’t friends. we are related but that is of little importance in life. A phrase i coined just recently is “Family doesn’t matter, people who matter, matter”. To me it doesn’t matter if there is a blood relation, its the people in your life that you care about that matter whether it be blood or not. I care about my father because i have grown in life with my father. The same with my mother and the same with my brother. But my cousin? The relevance of blood is nonexistent. I don’t know this person. they are like a vague acquaintance that I’ve seen a few handfuls of times in my whole life. there’s nothing wrong with them but we are not connected and share nothing. If i see these people at a family event, i may talk to them for hours, we may have a grand old time talking about life and whatever but it is of no bother to me as to whether they were there or not. I’m just enjoying the moment in whatever configuration it is. Christmas is a special time for sooo many people and i wish those people a great time 🙂 For me, i am just groovy. Its all good. I shall do my own thing. I just personally dislike the forced idea of the season.

Merry Christmas people and Stay Safe 🙂

Peace out.
A-Town.Yeah.

 

 

The Beginning

Starting this blog so that i can say whatever the fuck i want to say and express whatever i want to express without feeling pressured into censoring myself or keeping my mouth shut due to certain people reading it and the social and professional ramifications of such events. Its all well and good to lose your shit on Facebook and have everyone judge you but I’m not the person that heads down one road and comes from another. I head down many roads and come from many. I have many friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and me losing my shit and being as expressive and weird as possible is just not where it would be at on my Facebook as I’m not just some weirdo where my destiny is to become permanently bent, dive off the edge of society and care not for those left in my wake. I’m an observer and i guess social Chameleon. I can genuinely get along with you because i can genuinely have some sort of interest in what you’re into or have some form of knowledge about such a subject, that i bring it up or ask questions to spark the conversion and have a good time. In School, there was all the different groups and never the twain shall meet as it would seem. But me, i could mingle with the goths,the skaters,the soccer players, etc.. Friends in all realms. But am yet to find my “Place” or my “People”. I’m just out here in Life experiencing many different scenes, figuring them out and moving on to the next scene of interest. Life is strange. Many things have changed within me over the last year and a half. I have calmed down a lot. Able to want to listen to more-so chilled out music and being in more-so chilled out moods as opposed to the past where i only listened to extreme music and was full of energy. I took up reading for the first time in years since i was a teenager reading Harry Potter books. Have always read stuff on the interest and researched all that was possible about things i was passionate about learning about. But while this is beneficial to ones mind and intelligence, it is still not the same as reading books and especially what i have been reading. Books full of answers to life’s questions that you never asked. But that is for another day. My thoughts right now are scattered. Quite unsure of what i want to be writing about. Haven t really let go yet. Still standing on the edge wondering whether i want to get in. Whether i can. Will I? Who cares? No one, that’s who. There’s no one here.
Half a days work tomorrow and then hopefully no work for 5 days unless i get called in for a job that couldn’t wait. The industry i service does not sleep or take holidays.
Life is Strange.
Peace out.
A-Town.
Yeah.